This past Sunday was Resurection day. Easter for the folks who don't think like me (probably a good thing not to!) My Pastor had asked folks to come up and share testimonies if they felt led to do. I thought about my testimony but did not go forward. I did not feel the need to do so. But I did sit and ponder where I have been.
If I did not go up, why do I mention it? Well, it is because I was supposed just ponder it. Also I wanted to share my testimony of Jesus with any of you who reads this post. Pastor spoke about several atheists and their anger towards God and Christians. He spoke about the "over thinking" (my take on it not his) of the truth. He alluted to scholars and thinkers have a harder time knwing God relationally than the artistic people. I think there is much truth to that. But it is not impossible. Read on.....
I was about 14 when I started learning about various different religions. I was a smart kid. Had made Honor Roll many times already and was even part of the National Junior Honor Society. I don't mention this to boast but to give you the picture of a smart, nerdy kind of kid. There is an undeniable fact, each faith group beleives something different and each opposes the others. At 14, I was astute enough to conclude that all religions can be right because they all seemed to contridict each other. So what did a logically thinker do? Came to the only solution there was, The was no God!
At age 14, I became an atheist. This was in 1985. I was determined to make it on my own. I did not need this "god" or whatever. Religion was merely a set of beleived truths for those who were not mentally or emotionaly stronge enough to handle life on their own. God was for the weak. I was strong. I was smart. I would make it.... on my own!
I have always been an easy going person. Not mean spirited at all. But there was something about Christians that made me mad. I heard one day that the Christians had discovered evidence that some guy named Jesus was hung on a tree and came back to life. The audasity! How could they come back thousands of years later and say that some guy dies in a tree and that proves they are right? How dare they! Man, I was mad! I cussed the church out so much, i would still be eating soap!
I developed bad habits. I had a set of morals for myself and I started out really good. But I began breaking the rules so to speak. When this happened, I merely changed the rules. But the truth was, I was not perfect. i continued to break morals, change them, break them, change them. Mean while, I was hurting people. I cheated, I lied, I was selfish. I was becomeing everything I was trying not to be. I began to truely hate myself.
Don't worry, I did commit suicide. I never even thought it. In fact, suicide was another option only for the weak. And I was strong, remember. I did, however, have an ah ha! moment (or an uh ho!). I got to a point where my logic proved illogical. I reviewed my options. I hated who I had become and for a split second, just a second, I thought of suicide as a means of escape. It scared me. I tried to change. I reset all my rules. I started fresh. But within a month, I was doing the same thing! This time, I did not have many options. I did my best to justify myself. But inside, I knew that I was hurting. I needed true freedom from what I was doing to myself. I logically concluded that I was a failure.
Yes, I was a failure. I had twice failed to sucede. I had no hope. I just began to live as best I could. Finding enjoyment in the little things because my passion had died. But that is where God showed up.
There was a man that I was assigned to work a shift with. It was a night shift so there was a lot of down time. We talked. This guy had a screwed up life too. Maybe he would understand. I never really told him how much of a failure I was. Had to keep that a secret. But I did feel better knowing I was not completely alone. Problem with this guy was that he was a Christian. Oh the debating began! I argued my point, he argued his (while I constantly interupted). Neither convinced the other. But we were still friends.
Still friends? I had to wrap my logical brian around that one. I though religion was for weak people! He was certianly not weak. Yet he put his faith in God. A God I despised (probably because it shone a light on my failure). It was not the man that changed me. It was not the man I sought after for anwers. It was his God. I sought after this God that gave my friend hope.
I began to pray and truely seek Him. There was a hope that I desired. A hope for freedom. A hope for forgiviness. I learned that this God loved me. He also wanted to know me and let me know Him just as this man had done. This guy accepted me, faults and all. His God promised the same.
So I gave my life, fully to Him, God. I trusted in Him. I believed what He said enough to try Him. To test Him. If He was real and I could receive the love and hope He promised, it was well worth the chance. On September 12, 1993, I gave Him my life.
Ever since then I have been growing, struggling and wrestling with Him, but He has forgiven me. I always come before He a winner. I was succeeding, not on my own but because of Him. Because He made me.
You know, it is funny. My wife had long believed that atheist were too far gone to save. They would never believe in God. I am sure that for some that is true. But I know that they can. but it is ONLY through the grace of God. For any atheist out there, there is hope when you are ready for it. He will be waiting.
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