The mind of me? What is in my mind anyway?

I have been looking at myself for over half of my 37 years, looking for answers. I only have one. That I really don't know myself. Often I have tried to look for others for the answers but I either don't agree or don't understand what they see. It is like the old saying, "the more I learn the less I know."

My wife has often built me up telling me all the positive things about me. She says I am smart and passionate. Strong and brave. Yeah she has told me the things that are frustrating for her as well. Yet even in the mist of the negative she has something positive to say. So I know this, either she is right or crazy! I know she is right. I just don't know if I believe it.

What does this have to do with what is in my mind? It goes to affect my thinking process. You see, I suffer from depression. It i pretty bad at times. Now you must understand, I am not suicidal. Nor do I think of hurting myself or anyone else. I do however, become immobile due to the thoughts in my head. I will often avoid something for fear of facing it. Maybe it is fear of failure. It could be guilt over having made a mistake or fear of the possibility that I did. Either way, my thoughts often betray me in the worst way. It makes me feel almost like two people.

The past few years, I have begun to embrace what God says about me. He gave me a word about myself once. He said, "Joe, you are a mighty oak tree standing strong and mighty in Me." I have been working hard to live that out. I feel I have been making progress but I cannot always win against the thoughts in my mind. They are what I call the stinking thinking thoughts. The ones that say, "If you were so strong and brave, you would have not failed." Or they say, "Are you sure you can do it? You have said that before and didn't get it done?" It leaves me full of doubt and apathy. I will not even express my fear. I don't even know if I know the fear is there. And then there are the times when I just shut down. I just don't do what needs to be done because I have some how convinced myself that I would not make it anyway or that that person doesn't like me any more. I have been very effect at being my own enemy since I can prevent myself from even trying. (It is funny, I tell my kids that the sure way to fail is not to try. I guess it is easier to give the advice than to take it!)

I know that God has made me to be an oak. I am doing my best to yield to His Spirit. And I know that as I work through these issues and fight the stinking thinking, I will, by God's Grace, Be the strong and mighty oak!

Joe