The mind of me? What is in my mind anyway?

I have been looking at myself for over half of my 37 years, looking for answers. I only have one. That I really don't know myself. Often I have tried to look for others for the answers but I either don't agree or don't understand what they see. It is like the old saying, "the more I learn the less I know."

My wife has often built me up telling me all the positive things about me. She says I am smart and passionate. Strong and brave. Yeah she has told me the things that are frustrating for her as well. Yet even in the mist of the negative she has something positive to say. So I know this, either she is right or crazy! I know she is right. I just don't know if I believe it.

What does this have to do with what is in my mind? It goes to affect my thinking process. You see, I suffer from depression. It i pretty bad at times. Now you must understand, I am not suicidal. Nor do I think of hurting myself or anyone else. I do however, become immobile due to the thoughts in my head. I will often avoid something for fear of facing it. Maybe it is fear of failure. It could be guilt over having made a mistake or fear of the possibility that I did. Either way, my thoughts often betray me in the worst way. It makes me feel almost like two people.

The past few years, I have begun to embrace what God says about me. He gave me a word about myself once. He said, "Joe, you are a mighty oak tree standing strong and mighty in Me." I have been working hard to live that out. I feel I have been making progress but I cannot always win against the thoughts in my mind. They are what I call the stinking thinking thoughts. The ones that say, "If you were so strong and brave, you would have not failed." Or they say, "Are you sure you can do it? You have said that before and didn't get it done?" It leaves me full of doubt and apathy. I will not even express my fear. I don't even know if I know the fear is there. And then there are the times when I just shut down. I just don't do what needs to be done because I have some how convinced myself that I would not make it anyway or that that person doesn't like me any more. I have been very effect at being my own enemy since I can prevent myself from even trying. (It is funny, I tell my kids that the sure way to fail is not to try. I guess it is easier to give the advice than to take it!)

I know that God has made me to be an oak. I am doing my best to yield to His Spirit. And I know that as I work through these issues and fight the stinking thinking, I will, by God's Grace, Be the strong and mighty oak!

Joe

The Church of Nose

So I recently created a cause on Facebook for the Church of Nose. No, it is not a new cult or anything. As a matter of fact, it is a little philisophical joke that I use on ocasion to show the silliness of "religion." I have come to believe that it is not religion that is ones salvation but their relationship with God. Yet due to the battle within mankind to seek God and BE like God, we see various beliefs pop up in our society. From Heaven's Gate to LDS and even Jim Jones, we see that people will makeup all sorts of things and often truely believe themselves! whether they believe it or know it is a lie, they get others to believe. They mislead others and lead them down a path AWAY from the Truth even though they use the "truth" to get them to believe.

This is the thought behind the Church of Nose. If we can believe that a mother ship is hinding behind a comet and is coming to "pick you up," you might beleive that you sense of smell is the divine gift of the Nose god. It is the way that we can know him and listen to him. So for all of you non-believers, take a good whiff and you will expierince the sweet aroma of a false god!

Where do I go Lord?

His still small voice is niggling in my head but it is hard to hear because of the noise of my mind. I am faced with many choices at this point and I want desparatly want to enbrace His vision and move forward at warp speed but I dont have the course to follow yet. I want to quit my job to start a new one yet I cant until I pass my test. I want a house to buy but cant because I dont know where to look nor do we have a good debt to income ratio (which we cant fix without a better paying job). I can be patient at this time with the job because I cant hurry the test date (Aug 1st). But what really plagues me is where is our mission field? My wife and I have embraced the vision of Jacob's Well but feel a call to another neighborhood to be a part of missional communities as Pastor Eric refers to it. I am not a pastor in the since I pastor adults but I enjoy kids. I have worked with kids for a good many years and my wife and I have a passion for tweeners and youth. Question is where is the harvest field He has for us. I like the East Central area where the Church is but it doesn't niggle my heart. We went to a splash pad in Hilyard today and there was interestingly enough a connection.But is it because of Pastor Eric's vision for that area or is God niggling my heart?

It is time to pray and fast. I need His voice to resound in me. I need to mute the niose in my head and hear His orders for me and my family. "Here I am Lord, send me"

I will praise Him now.

Passion vs Money

I have been conflicted for a few years about following my passion of nursing and making money. Since I am older and it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up, I feel like I am very much behind the power curve (as I stated last time). My primary job in adulthood has been electronic (specifically aviation). Because of that and electronics tend to pay more at this point, I have been trying unsuccessfully to get into the FAA. I have an opportunity to possibly work in Seattle. This of course, would require me to live there and my family to live here or for us all to move back to the west side. None of those options or really great. SO..... what are the pros for taking a job like that? Money. Only money. And even if I can spend time going to school while working for the FAA, I would still not advance myself in the career of nursing. My wife says that if I choose the FAA I will probably not get into nursing later. This is unfortunately true. Even if I did, it would take almost twice as long to get my degree. However, we would make some good money.





I have recently been reminded of Jonah. He was the reluctant prophet in the Bible. I learned that Jonah ran from God not only because of his dislike for the people of Nineveh but because he was seriously afraid of them. If my passion for nursing and people is from God and I go into the FAA, would not be like Jonah going to Tarshish? If so, what am I afraid of? Failing. Of not being "good enough." I can see myself being a nurse practitioner but doubt if I have what it takes.

God provides for us even in our failures. And I chose now and forever to follow Him. If this passion is from Him then I need to follow it. And trust that God will meet our needs. So do I believe that God has given me a passion for nursing? Yes. AS much or more than Jonah being called to Nineveh.

With that said, I publicly announce that I will pursue nursing and nursing only as a means to become what God has made me. I may take part in other things in order to get where I need to but I will not do it if it takes me away from my pursuit of nursing.

Until next time....

A Start....

So i want to start blogging. This is not going to be a fancy blog, and certianly full of spelling errors. So please do not correst them. This is for me to get my thoughts and ideas out. It is NOT an english test or essay. So get over it sweet heart!

Anyway, i am not going to do a lengthy intro, as i continue blogging you will get to know me. I want to start with a subject that is currently on my mind. when does one get to that point in life that they realize that you have nothing to show for your life? I am not talking midlife crisis here, i am talking about the realization that you have spent the first 10-15 years of your adult life and have no career to show for it. No job skills. Nothing. I am also not talking to those wifes (and husbands) that have chosen to stay at home with the kids, that is a job! I am 37 and am currently getting into nursing. It seems that i am talking about me. I am not. I have spent 16 years in the military and during that time have worked in either electronics or in medical. so my going into nursing is not really new but getting the training to take the next step. I have a career. I have had a career, the military is a job in and of itself. I am talking about my brother. He is 34 and doesn't work. He has no education outside of high school and has not worked in the same field of work for very long. he is a manual laborer. it bothers me that people will live this way. He is not the only on mind you. There is a guy in the apartment complex i live in that has a bachelor's degree in finance but works at domino pizza. What is up with that? There is another guy here that has an engineering degree and draws unemployment. He says he can't get a job. Times are tuff economically, but there are always jobs. even if it is flipping burgers or picking up trash. not that those are bad jobs but they don't pay a lot. but the key is, they pay! I have a job. It is not a lot but it supports my family. My brother cannot pay the child support he owes because he doesn't go out and get a job.

I find it interesting that these people also have plenty of opinions about the reasons they don't have jobs. They also like to blame everyone else. Is our economy that bad? if so, then why could they not get a job BEFORE the economy when south? My brother is 34 remember? What has he been doing since graduating high school?

Maybe I sound like a i judging. I have had my own issues to deal with and it has takin me awhile to make up my own mind what to do with my life but i guess that is why this bothers me. I see my brother's struggle and want to help him. But is he wanting help.

So, my concludtion of this is that I got through only with God as my teacher and guide. I see the hurt in these folks because I have been there. My next issue is, how to help my brother and others like him.